Breaking Up Is Hard To Do.......
(76 previous messages)TonyS
- Oct 22, 2002 9:42 pm (#77 of 245)
mummyhazel,
I don't think you should feel sorry for him. After all, it was his own behavior that brought this type of reaction on. And his behavior was only done to attract attention to himself in a rather selfish and obnoxious way.
As for the next time, you might consider asking the bartender to ask him to tone it down. That establishes a starting point (in case it gets worse) for the bartender to ask him to leave. After all, you are in a public place for companionship and a good time.
Just some thoughts,
Tony
I was all calm and dignified in his presence for a change (it's been 3 months since I stopped calling or e-mailing) - and obviously having a life. The childish part of me thinks shame I couldn't have been wearing something foxier although I did have my knee length boots on which should have been enough
Mummy I'm so proud of you. You've gone on and have not let this man back into your life. Ignore this man once and for all. I'm sure you looked just fine....or he wouldn't have acted like an idiot. Remember.....IDIOT that's why you've gone on.
L,Xam
Xam - I rather hope he wasn't making it up about the girlfriend - and that she lives in the next town - so he won't bump into me in my social places. I do find his loudness and ego annoying (it annoys me that I allow it to get to me - but it is obnxious - and I'm not showing it). I imagine he was offering me a drink as a "buy-off" (he's a weird person like that - I think he sees all people as shallow as himself - which is why I'm annoyed I fell for all the charm in the past cos he just sees me as a pushover)...
Anyhow Tony - your advice about asking the bartender is good - as I get on with the people who work there (and have known the owners for 11 years) - with them I could make it into a joke: "Couldn't people make it any louder over there? - I mean some people here are still able to continue their conversation"...
Anyhow I'm going for Indian food with a male friend tonight (so fruit for lunch!) - and to the theatre with my Tony tomorrow - I imagine it's drifted into exclusivity with him (oops) - I did have some semi-dates after we first went out - but nothing serious (just to help keep things light. So how to go along the next step (we've been seeing each other with 2 months) - without getting unnaturally heavy. I'll probably keep things the way they are - I mean - the more you angst about things the less likely things are to work. Any advice on taking things easy whilst not being overly-flippant from 2 months onwards would be interesting though.
Laila Ajbar - Nov 11, 2002 4:36 pm (#80 of 245)
I'm new to this message board, but boy, have I been identifying with the messages!
I'm 38, and recently (June) got married to someone I didn't love because I wanted to start a family & thought I wouldn't meet anyone better. Then, two months later, I went on holiday with a girlfriend to a small village in Turkey..... & met the man of my dreams. Everything I'd wished for, incredible empathy & chemistry between us. Drop-dead gorgeous, sexy, kind, empathic, educated....I ignored the villagers who'd known him for years who told me he was a recovering alcoholic, prone to violent outbursts and taking Lithium to control his manic depression. Three months and three trips to Turkey later he's just dumped me for calling him every day for a week (in spite of him asking me to because he was struggling following a change of medication, and he had no phone credit & couldn't get to the nearest town an hour away to buy some) No warning - except that we'd begun to discuss what we'd like to do about living together sometime in the next year....and me mentioning that I was booking my flight to come over at Christmas. There is no-one else (no-one in the community will touch him as they are all afraid of depression) except his mad mother (whom he lives with, as is customary in Turkey) and his illness. So now I'm talking to my friends (who think I've had a lucky escape) and trying to think positive. And not feel too much like I'm dying. Or responsible for the breakup by being too intense. I can be intense, but didn't do anything to deserve this...any strategies gratefully received....
- Nov 11, 2002 7:43 pm (#81 of 245)
Laila ~
What's the situation with your June husband?
Laila Ajbar - Nov 13, 2002 1:38 am (#82 of 245)
Hi Snowpetal
Situation is, he's left and won't be back. I wouldn't have him back anyway, he showed some vicious characteristics when we broke up....and he'd been systematically searching my possessions for months before that. When challenged before a counsellor he said there was no other way to 'control' me. He's Iranian, and I gather this is not unusual behaviour.
News on my new man is, my girlfriend spoke to him two days ago. She's trying to get us back together because she thinks it was the depression talking & he doesn't want to break up...he said 'maybe' I should call him. I did, yesterday, and he sounded very 'flat'- no expression in his voice, struggling with his English, which is a sure indicator of extreme tiredness in him. I kept it light, and when I asked should I call him next week he said 'I think so' which is positive affirmation from a Turk...
I think I probably did put too much intense pressure on him during the past months and now he's overloaded. Turkish men don't respond well to presure even when they're not ill. I'm trying to give him space, but it's such a different relationship pattern from the one we've been following that I'm finding it hard & miss him all the time. I'm also fearful that he might change his mind about speaking to me next week, which would hurt even more. I can't see clearly on this one, because it's clouded by his depression, which is very bad at the moment....Any thoughts?
Lalia,
Welcome to dumped.
Maybe instead of focusing so much on this new man you should take some time and focus on you for a bit. Getting married so fast, then ending that relationship is a lot. Thirtyeight is not too old to start thinking about children, in your early 40's. I have friends who have delivered in their mid 40's. You have time.
Try to stop thinking about this new guy as much and start having a little fun. Go out with some girlfriends, coworkers. Hit a movie by yourself. Do whatever it takes to get your mind off your ex to be husband and this new man, just for awhile. Clear your head a bit.
I'm a firm believer that going from one relationship to another is not healthy. Just my opinion, as tony would say.
Love, Xam
- Nov 13, 2002 3:29 pm (#84 of 245)
I'm a firm believer that going from one relationship to another is not healthy.
Lalia, I really think you might sloooow down a little and *think* about things, about what's really *good* for you. You seem to be a person of intense reactions, but sometimes we need to just take a deep breath, step back, slow our pulse, and wait.
Something that's meant to be is not harmed by waiting.
Just my $.02.
Laila Ajbar - Nov 18, 2002 3:42 pm (#85 of 245)
Thanks for the advice, guys ;0)
I know, I know, everything you say is right. So I've called my counsellor, rallied my girlfriends, bought some new clothes....
Am now feeling better in terms of I know there's life after this situation, and I'm getting on with things (believe me, the pace my work & leisure life moves at, I have no choice)
Snowpetal, your advice is so spot-on. I firmly believe that if it's willed to be it will be - Insaallah and all that. So I'm staying put until late spring when I'll be returning to run a project in the village that was planned last summer.
In the meantime, we are talking once a week, he is looking for work, and I pray he'll get better. I'm sure he'll come back to me if the circumstances become right in the future - the only certainty is that I know he loves me - but I can't wait or plan for that maybe.
Hmmm how are you doing Laila?
L, Xam
Laila Ajbar - Dec 11, 2002 10:28 pm (#87 of 245)
Hi Xam
I'm fine, been really busy with work & social stuff. Haven't been thinking much about men lately, to be honest...except to think they're no match for girlfriends! Mine have been fab, rallied round and all that...this site has gone quiet, hasn't it?
Hi Honey,
Busy is good! Yeah it's been a little slow. But I love seeing all the regulars.
L, Xam
http://love.msn.com/personals/article3.asp
Interesting little test.....L,Xam
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Breaking Up Is Hard To Do.......